On
Saturday July 13, 2019 I was out with my husband enjoying a beer and pizza when
I received a message that a childhood friend of mine had passed away. In the
moment I was shocked and dumbfounded but today, Thursday July 18, 2019, was the
day it hit me, and it hit me harder than I ever thought it would. It started
with a group chat notification on my phone “Oh that sounds like such a
wonderful and beautiful tribute to Barb” (cue uncontrollable sobbing)
Why
was I crying? Why is Barb’s death affecting me like this? Why now? Why?
As
I sat drinking my coffee this morning, I started thinking about all the whys. Barb was genuinely a nice person. After someone
passes away you often hear people talk about how kind, caring and thoughtful they
were or how their smile lit up a room but is it true or is it just lip service?
Well in Barb’s case it is true; she possessed all those qualities and many more.
Over the years I haven’t had much contact with her except on Facebook, a visit
to the Kitchener Farmer’s Market during story time (about 5-6 years ago) and most
recently at a funeral of another childhood classmate. But all that didn’t seem
to matter to Barb, when we started chatting on April 18, 2007, we started with
the “it’s been a long time, what have been up too? Wow, that’s great, good for
you, I would love to catch up next time I am in town, etc…” We summarized our
lives to that point in a few, albeit long, paragraphs. At first it was just words, did I really plan
on catching up, I don’t know but I do know that I feel a huge sense of guilt,
loss and sadness. I also started to think do I have the right to be sad and
mourn? Of course I do! I may not have been present in her life but she was a
part of mine.
Barb
and I met in Kindergarten at Sheppard Public School in Kitchener and went to school
together until grade 8 and then we attended different high schools. Let’s be
honest, being a kid can be hard, you have best friends, friends, frenemies and people
you just don’t like or get along with and that can all change in the blink of
an eye; but Barb was friends with everybody. She didn’t seem to care who else
you were friends with, she was always a constant in people lives and I don’t
recall her ever saying an unkind word about anybody. I don’t want it to come across
that she was just there when I say she was a constant – she had a positive impact
on everybody that she met.
The
past few days I have been relooking at pictures on her Facebook and reading all
the kind words and wonderful stories people have been sharing about Barb. My
heart hurts. I want to have stories to share but I don’t, well I do but they
are mostly from grade school and seem so insignificant compared to others. My
heart hurts. Maybe part of it is jealousy, all these people got to have Barb in
their lives, I didn’t. My heart hurts. It is my fault I did not have Barb in my
life. I chose to separate my life from those I went to grade school and middle
school with, I wanted a fresh start; it made sense at the time. The reality is
I didn’t need a fresh start, I needed friends in my life that knew me and what
I went through. I needed friends to be
there for me, and they were but I didn’t appreciate it or know it, I thought
they had abandoned me, I know now that I had abandoned them. I’m sorry. I didn’t
know how to cope, and I just wanted to forget and move on with my “new” life.
But I didn’t forget, I thought about it everyday and I missed my “old” friends.
I wanted them in my life. My heart hurts.
When
someone you know dies it really makes you think about your own life, especially
when they are the same age as you. Have I done enough? Will I be missed? What
have I accomplished? Did I make impact? Will my family be ok? What more can I
do? What is my legacy? Instead of dwelling on the what ifs and the past we need
to think about the now. Not to sound super cheesy or cliché, yesterday is
history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift. That’s why is call the
present. (Bil Keane). Of course you did enough. Of course you will be missed. You
have accomplished a lot. Your family will be ok, eventually. As for what more
can you do – that has yet to be decided or maybe you’ve done enough. No one is
harder on us than ourselves. Embrace today, go with it – it may be a shitty day
but all we can hope for is that we have tomorrow and it will be better.
Death
is the one certainty of life; it sucks but its the one thing that you know is
going to happen; you just don't know when or why. But there is supposed
to be an order – no one should have to bury their child, no one! My heart aches
for Barb’s parents, sister, brother-in-law, nephew, family, extended family and
friends, I can’t even begin to imagine the level of loss they are experiencing.
From the bottom of my broken heart I send all my love.
Dear
Barb,
I
am beyond saddened that I will not be able to attend your celebration of life;
there is so much to celebrate. Your death may have left a large hole in many hearts,
but the memories of your life will, in time, fill those holes tenfold. Rest in
Peace.
Love
Christie
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